50 Completely Honest Things About Me: Part 8 of 50

Part 8 of 50: I have an Anxiety Disorder

I have always known there was something wrong with me! In college, I had a nervous breakdown one day and was actually diagnosed with depression and put on medication. The medication was terrible- of the 9 side effects possible I had 10. I quit taking my medication, on my own, and was scolded by my doctor, but I didn't care. I would rather be "depressed" than be sick from all of the side effects. Besides, deep down inside I knew I wasn't depressed. I wasn't suicidal, I didn't cry all the time, I didn't stay in bed all the time, etc. I knew there was something wrong but I also knew it wasn't depression. Little did I know that it would be another 8 years until I was finally diagnosed correctly.
I was diagnosed with GAD- Generalized Anxiety Disorder- a little more than a year ago. At first I was a little disappointed in the actual disorder name. Generalized Anxiety Disorder? Well that really sums up my problems. But it does, in a nut shell. To learn more about it click here.
I've also realized, in speaking with my doctor, that it has probably been going on since high school. There are things that come to mind now and I immediately think "of course it was anxiety". My nervous breakdown in college... anxiety. I do also have panic attacks- but not bad enough to be labeled as having panic disorder. My past panic attacks are also a definite source of some of my anxiety. Not knowing that I was having a panic attack, I would freak out and think that I was having a heart attack. And with heart problems running in my family I was sure I was going to die.
My anxiety issues definitely caused a lot of problems socially. My marriage definitely suffered. J and I talk about it now and there was a point where we both thought that it was going to end.
I was put on medication again and told that "talk therapy" would be a definite help to me. We didn't have the money to pay a therapist so that was just not an option. J, being the wonderfully supportive husband that he is, offered to be "all ears" if I wanted to use him to talk to. It has proven to be a great decision. Our relationship is unbelievable. Probably the strongest it has ever been. And I've learned to deal with my anxiety enough that I quit taking my medication 3 months ago. I know that I will always have anxiety issues, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have irrational thoughts, but the key is being able to manage it and look at them from a different prospective. I think I've actually found my "happy medium" and I feel great!